Do you ever wonder why some people are unable to let others in or allow others to love them whether this be in a relationship or friendship?

Okay let's unpack this using hypothetical of growing up with one or more care givers with alcohol or drug dependency their demeanour may not be to dissimilar to Jekyll & Hyde.

Don't get me wrong, the attachment is still there so you love them no matter what but over time you may be likely to scan body language to anticipate when it would be safe to be close?

Ironically no matter how devoid they may be towards you all you really want is to feel closeness, be nurtured and loved by them.

It's a catch 22 as you still find yourself wanting their approval and overtime their erratic behaviour becomes your normal and you will likely find attracted and look for this chaos in your adult relationships.

You pray for unconditional love, respect and safety, but pull away upon finding it and whilst in the relationship it is like sleeping with one eye open.

It's like the calm before the storm, it can make you anxious and catastrophise things in your own mind whereby you'll almost believe your partner is biding their time before they're going to harm you, so shut down and push away as you've learnt its best not let them to close.

Many of you may be able to relate to this whether it relates to you or someone you have been a relationship with that has responded in this manner?

Sadly for them a belief develops that love goes hand in hand with fear, pain, chaos and when reinforced consistently it eventually becomes normalised for them accepting love is painful.

Those who have had their boundaries violated or past used against them will develop the belief that safety will only be attainable if they keep their emotions to themselves & lock their partner out or steer clear of relationships all togethe.

You don't have to be someone who chooses not to let love in to their lives, you can learn to recognise and work on how you respond and in this instance the first step will likely be the hardest as you need to take ownership upon recognising you are closing yourself off.

It goes without saying that this will be challenging as you are attempting to change a response that has been present for a prolonged period of time, this can be difficult to do on your own and I encourage you to seek help from a professional as needed as they can gently guide and counsel you through this process.

Seek to understand why you do what you are doing, which will help to understand why you push people away, remember you deserve to be loved, we all do because as humans it is natural for us to seek connectivity with others.

Make some notes put in it in writing, so that you have a reference point as it will help recognise how you push or avoid others away and what triggers you to do this?

I find having it in writing, provides you a reference point which allows you to challenge yourself, explore how you feel in that moment and develop strategies to help you work towards implementing new behaviours and actions.

There is truth in the saying, slow and steady wins the race! So little steps as there is no time like in the now to make these changes to work toward developing and sustaining authentic interactions, allowing you to shift away from the need to protect yourself.

• Kym Marsden is an accredited mental health social worker in Queensland